john's movie blog!

[John Egbert]

hi guys!

so, i thought a good start to the new academic year would be making a blog! but i did not really want to just blog about my life, my life is not interesting. SO. introducing: my totally great movie blog!

i figure it's good to start at the beginning. i could just review all my favorite movies, but that would be boring! so i am going to begin with one of my all time favorites actors instead: nicolas cage.

despite being a HUGE fan of his work, i haven't seen every movie he is in. so i guess i'll make a start on that now. with one of his very earliest movies.

it kind of looks like a piece of shit, but with a bit of luck nic cage's presence will rescue it from the scrap heap. i mean, failure to launch looked like the worst flick ever and it kind of was, but matthew mcconaughey's starring role easily promoted it from shit into solid gold.

hopefully that will be the case here.

it starts pretty typically for an eighties flick, i guess. panning over the setting. cheesy music. i would be making a snarky comment here, but i actually really like eighties music, so. whatever.

the pink writing is just SCREAMING chick flick, though. bluh.

anyway, we get introduced to the girl first. she's clothes shopping/shoe shopping. for a minute i thought i saw a rack of crocs in the background and got excited, but then i remembered they didn't make them in the eighties.

so then this girl and all her friends sit down and start gushing over this guy. he's called "brad". i have to say, so far this movie has not been enjoyable at all. also they girls all talk really stupidly, i guess because they are valley girls.

then they talk a bit about the girl's boyfriend, tommy. apparently "he's got the bod, but his brains are bad news"! oh dear. her friends all think he is "bitching" but this julie girl says she's but going out with him ages and she needs something new.

uuuuuuuuuuuuugh.

i hope it gets to the nick cage part soon.

in the meantime, we get to meet tommy. he's kind of a boring douchebag, just like all the other guys in this movie so far. julie is mad at him for not phoning her and they........ break up! she is "totally not in love with him any more".

i feel like we should also take a moment to point out the woody woodpecker she has on her top. the only thing she has going for her so far.

EVENTUALLY they go on a beach trip. we finally get to see nick cage but it's just him prancing around without a shirt. he doesn't even look all that great so i am not sure what the point of this scene is. when you get this stuff in matthew mcconaughey flicks it is at least explicable because he's attractive. for a guy.

whereas nick just sort of isn't. though i am not a girl so maybe i am just missing the appeal here. i don't think i am exactly the target market, LOL.

but at any rate, the valley girls all think he's totally hot. julie and nick exchange a few SIGNIFICANT LOOKS and nick's friend tells him about some great party in the valley. cut to julie and her friend getting dressed and having some GIRL TALK. apparently julie is going to make a move on brad at the party.

i really hate this movie.

also julie has a weird dad who flirts with her friend a little and it's kind of creepy. the parents are pretty liberal and apparently part of the "sex drugs and rock and roll" era.

hahahaha, my dad is like, from the fifties or something. i doubt he would let me stay out until one. not that it's really all that important seeing as i am only fourteen and don't want to go to any parties. also this has nothing to do with the topic at hand here: this shitty movie.

let's get back to that.

so there is this party in the valley and julie starts hitting on this brad guy, but gets sort of brushed off. then there's an encounter with tommy, i guess. it is all pretty lame.

there's some kind of weird sideplot with a girl's mother flirting with the daughter's love interest too. i do not really know what to make of that. i would be kind of freaked out if rose's mom started coming on to me!

wow, not that rose is my love interest. moving right on.

tommy hooks up with one of julie's friend and wow i am having trouble following this. all the characters look identical and talk in the same dumb way. they don't really have much personality! in con air all the inmates were really distinct characters whereas in crap like this you just get a lot of the same people. so lame.

but then! :O nick cage arrives. it turns out he is a PUNK and it is instantly obvious he does not really fit in.

ugh, actually i think i will leave it at that for now. nick's entrance is a cliffhanger, sort of. expect part two shortly!

i hope you enjoyed this great start to a great blog as much as i enjoyed writing it. (that was sarcasm! watching this was a terrible idea.)

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[Karkat Vantas]

-- carcinoGeneticist responded to blog entry hi guys! --

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WHOA, WHAT THE FUCK. HERE I WAS, INNOCENTLY MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS ON THE WORLD WIDE WEB AS I LOOKED FOR AN ACTUALLY INTELLIGENT SITE TO SPEND MY TIME, AND LOW AND BEHOLD I FIND THIS BULLSHIT EXCUSE FOR A REVIEW BLOG.

IT IS OBVIOUS THAT YOU ARE IMBECILE WITH NO TASTE IN QUALITY CINEMATIC THEATER, WHICH WAS INITIALLY PROVEN BY YOUR CLAIM THAT FAILURE TO LAUNCH WAS "THE WORST FLICK EVER." FAILURE TO LAUNCH IS A FUCKING FANTASTIC MOVIE, NOT BECAUSE MATTHEW MCCONAUGHEY STARS IN IT BUT BECAUSE OF IT'S VIVID CHARACTERS AND HILARIOUS NATURE. OF COURSE, THAT THRASHING IS FOR ANOTHER TIME. RIGHT NOW WE HAVE A MORE PRESSING MATTER TO ATTEND TO.

SUCH AS YOUR GOD AWFUL REVIEW.

HOW DARE YOU HAVE THE AUDACITY TO IMPLY THAT VALLEY GIRL IS A BORING MOVIE. IT'S A FUCKING MASTERPIECE, A ROMCOM CLASSIC THAT HAS LASTED THROUGHOUT THE AGES.

AT IT'S CORE, VALLEY GIRL IS A REALISTIC PORTRAYAL OF TEENAGERS FALLING IN LOVE AND THE DRAMA THAT INEVITABLY FOLLOWS. IT'S A TALE OF THE ULTIMATE CHOICE THAT EVERYONE MUST MAKE AT SOME POINT IN THEIR ROMANTIC LIVES: WHETHER TO STAY WITH A PERSON YOU DON'T LOVE JUST BECAUSE OTHERS THINK S/HE IS BETTER FOR YOU, OR TO FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

THIS MOVIE SPANS OVER SEVERAL ASPECTS OF HIGH SCHOOL LIFE, INCLUDING PEER PRESSURE AND CLIQUE CULTURE. IT IS ALSO ONE OF THE FEW MOVIES OF THAT TIME WHOSE COMEDY DOESN'T SOMEHOW RELY ON INSULTING AND EMBARRASSING ITS FEMALE CHARACTERS. BOTH GENDERS ARE PORTRAYED JUST AS PEOPLE WHO WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING WHILE STILL HAVING A LITTLE FUN.

AND YOUR CRITIQUE OF JULIE'S PARENTS ARE COMPLETELY UNFOUNDED. HER HIPPIE GUARDIANS ARE A FAIRLY ACCURATE DEPICTION OF WHAT ADULTS OF THEIR BACKGROUND AND ERA WOULD ACT LIKE. ONE FATHER IS NOT A REASONABLE COMPARISON.

BESIDES, WHO THE HELL ONLY POSTS HALF OF A REVIEW? IF YOU ARE GOING TO COME ON THE WEB AND MAKE A TOTAL ASSWIPE OF YOURSELF, YOU MIGHT AS WELL HAVE THE DECENCY TO FINISH WHAT YOU STARTED. HOW I AM SUPPOSED TO PROPERLY KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS IF YOU GIVE ME SO LITTLE TO WORK WITH? IT'S PATHETIC, EVEN FOR A DUMBASS OF YOUR CALIBER.

FORTUNATELY FOR YOU THERE ARE AT LEAST TWO COMMENTS WHICH I CAN AGREE WITH. FIRSTLY, NICOLAS CAGE ISN'T REALLY ALL THAT ATTRACTIVE AND HIS APPEAL COULD HAVE BEEN MORE EFFECTIVELY ILLUSTRATED WITH HIS CLOTHES ON, LIKE HOW IT WAS DONE IN THE NATIONAL TREASURE SERIES. SECONDLY, YES, THIS BLOG WAS A FUCKING TERRIBLE IDEA. YOU CAN NOW CRAWL INTO A DARK, DESOLATE HOLE, CURL UP INTO A BALL, AND DROWN IN YOUR TEARS OF SHAME LIKE A BABY FOR HOW BADLY YOU FUCKED THIS UP.

MY WORK HERE IS DONE.

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((ooc: reference article.))